Opened Work Email on My Period and Regretted Everything

DEAR BREWTIFUL,

It is Day One of The Monthly Reckoning. My hormones have filed a formal complaint against humanity. I made the grave mistake of opening work email during this sacred time.

Enter: Spreadsheet Sorceress from the Land of Metrics.

She sends domains. I review domains. I match them to clients like a diligent little Link Librarian. Then she returns from the Cave of Ahrefs and declares:

“There is absolutely no way this is a fit.”

Absolutely no way.

As if I suggested we link a divorce lawyer to a goat yoga blog.

Now I am shaking. Over domains. On my period.

Why does everyone hand me a half-cooked potato and then ask why it’s not mashed properly? Why must I be both chef and health inspector? Why does Spreadsheet Sorceress speak exclusively in Audit Tone 3000?

Signed,
Bleeding in Operations

DEAR BLEEDING IN OPERATIONS,

First of all.

Put the sword down.

No one has stormed the castle. The kingdom remains intact. This is not a coup. This is a slightly awkward link-building conversation between you and Spreadsheet Sorceress.

Let’s break it down.

You reviewed based on topical alignment.

She reviewed based on metrics alignment.

You were playing chess.

She was playing spreadsheet sudoku.

These are different games.

Now, was her tone warm and buttery? No.

Did she insult your bloodline? Also no.

She used the sacred phrase: “There is no way.”

Some people say, “Hmm, not sure this fits.”

Some people say, “There is no way.”

Both mean: Let’s double-check.

Only one sounds like a courtroom verdict.

Now let us address the real villain.

It is not Spreadsheet Sorceress.

It is Hormone Gremlin.

Hormone Gremlin whispers:

“This is a threat.”
“You are being set up.”
“They are judging you.”
“The empire is collapsing.”

Hormone Gremlin lies.

Here are the facts:

• No one escalated to The Founder of Bluntness.
• No disciplinary scroll has been issued.
• You introduced a checklist like a mature Process Queen.
• You looped in The Technical Wizard.
• You behaved like an adult.

Meanwhile, Spreadsheet Sorceress probably:

Ran Ahrefs.
Saw foreign traffic.
Typed blunt sentence.
Went to lunch.

She is not plotting.

She is auditing.

Now, are you tired of being The Quality Control Sponge? Yes.

Are you allowed to be annoyed? Absolutely.

But this is not sabotage.

This is sloppy workflow tightening itself.

And you handled it without lighting the office on fire.

That, my dear, is growth.

Now do this:

Close the laptop.
Heat something warm.
Watch something dumb.
Text no one about link domains.
Let Hormone Gremlin nap.

The machine is running.

The empire is stable.

You are not under attack.

You are just menstruating.

With ruthless affection,
Brewtiful 🖤