Is He Coming on Too Strong?
Is He Coming on
Too Strong?
(Two Letters. One Situation. They Are Absolutely About Each Other.)
We are going to read both letters. We are going to answer both letters. And if these two people are not actively texting each other right now, it is only because one of them is staring at their phone deciding if it's too soon to reply. It's not. Reply.
Dear Brewtiful,
I've been seeing this guy for about three weeks. We've been on four dates. Four good dates, I want to be clear — I like him. But.
He texts me good morning every single day. He's already mentioned "when we go to Italy" (we have not discussed going to Italy). He told me I was "the kind of woman he could see a future with" on date three. On date THREE. He has a name for what our kids might look like. I'm not exaggerating. He called them "the hypotheticals." As a unit. They have a collective noun.
I like him! I genuinely do! But I feel like I am being lovingly speed-run through a relationship I haven't agreed to yet. Every time I leave a date I need to lie down in a dark room and process what just happened to me.
Is he coming on too strong, or am I being emotionally unavailable? Be honest.
— Affectionately Overwhelmed, 31, Currently Resting After Date FourHe named your hypothetical children. As a unit. They have a collective noun. I want to be extremely clear that this is not a you problem. The hypotheticals are not a you problem. Italy — a country you have not discussed visiting — is not a you problem.
To answer your question directly: yes, he is coming on too strong. Not because his feelings aren't real, not because wanting a future is wrong, and not because the good-morning texts are inherently bad. He's coming on too strong because he is operating at a relationship pace that requires the agreement of two people, and he has only checked in with one of them. That one is him.
Here is the thing about the "am I emotionally unavailable" question: it's a good question to ask yourself, but it's not the right question for this specific situation. Emotional unavailability looks like pulling away from someone who is meeting you appropriately. What you're describing is pulling away from someone who is sprinting toward a finish line you didn't know you'd entered.
That's not unavailability. That's reasonable self-preservation.
I once dated someone who told me what our apartment would look like on the second date. He'd even picked a neighbourhood. I was flattered for about four minutes and then I felt like I'd somehow already agreed to something I hadn't been asked about. The feeling was not romantic. The feeling was: I need to understand what's happening here before this gets any more load-bearing.
You're allowed to like someone and also need them to slow down. Those things coexist. Tell him. He might be completely unaware he's doing it. Or he might not be able to, which is also useful information.
He's coming on too strong. You're not emotionally unavailable. You are simply a person who has not yet agreed to co-parent the hypotheticals, and that is your right.
The second letter arrived twenty minutes later. From a different person. About a different situation. That is absolutely the same situation.
Dear Brewtiful,
I think I ruined it.
I've been seeing this woman for about three weeks. Four dates. Really good dates. I like her a lot — maybe too much, which is apparently my problem. On date three I told her I could see a future with her. I mentioned a trip to Italy (I know, I know). I may have — and I recognise this was a mistake in real time — referred to our potential children as "the hypotheticals." I thought it was charming. She laughed. But now looking back I think that was a polite laugh. A "I am going to need to lie down after this date" laugh.
She's still texting me back but the energy is different. I think I scared her away. I came on too strong, didn't I. I don't know how to fix it. Should I apologise? Should I back off? Should I pretend Italy never happened?
Please help. I genuinely like this woman and I have made it extremely weird.
— The Hypotheticals Guy, 33, Deeply Aware of What He DidFirst: she is still texting you back. This is significant. A woman who is done with a situation does not continue to engage with it — she simply lets the replies get shorter and shorter until they stop entirely, and then she is busy for the next three weeks. She is still there. You have not lost this.
Second: yes, you came on too strong. The Italy, the future, the hypotheticals with their collective noun — this was a lot for three weeks. Not because your feelings aren't valid. Not because wanting something real is wrong. But because you were operating at a relationship pace that requires two people to have agreed to it, and you only checked in with yourself.
She's not gone. She's recalibrating. There's a difference.
Here's what coming on too strong actually signals, most of the time: you like someone so much that you're already living in a version of the relationship that they haven't caught up to yet. Your feelings are six months ahead of the calendar. That's not a character flaw. It's a pacing problem, and pacing problems are fixable.
The fix is not to pretend you don't care. That would just make you seem inconsistent and slightly unhinged. The fix is to show her that you can match her speed — that you're capable of being in the present version of this, not just the future one you've already furnished in your head.
The hypotheticals thing is going to be a funny story if this works out. I am telling you this in advance so you have something to hold onto. "Remember when you named our theoretical children as a collective noun on date three" is an excellent anecdote that will be told at your wedding by someone who clearly adores you for being exactly this much of a person.
It's only embarrassing now because it's too soon. In two years it's a personality trait. Go send the message.
You came on too strong. She hasn't left. Send one short, non-manifesto message. Mention that you can slow down. Do not mention Italy. The hypotheticals will survive the pause.
Coming on too strong is almost never about the feelings. It's about the pacing. You can feel everything — you're allowed to, feelings don't have a timeline — but what you express should roughly match where the other person is, which means you have to actually look at where they are instead of where you want them to be.
Letter One: he likes you. He's just bad at pacing. Tell him. The good-morning texts and the Italy and the hypotheticals are not signs of a man who doesn't care — they're signs of a man who cares so much he's already skipped ahead. Whether you can work with that is a different question, but it's worth finding out.
Letter Two: she likes you. She's just recalibrating. Send the message. Not the 14-paragraph one. The short one. She's still there.
